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From: gkm@petting-zoo.net (glen mccready)
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Subject: I was such an ugly baby...
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Forwarded-by: Chris Wedgwood <cw@f00f.org>
From: Bert

01. I was so poor growing up...  if I wasn't a boy...  I'd have had
    nothing to play with.

02. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
    home."  I went over. Nobody was home.

03. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the
    other night she called me from a hotel

04. One day I came home early from work...  I saw a guy jogging
    naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"  He
    said "Because you came home early."

05. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...  put a shirt on
    and button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase, and the handle
    came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

06. I was such an ugly kid...  When I played in the sandbox, the cat
    kept covering me up.

07. I could tell my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster and
    radio.

08. I was such an ugly baby...  My mother never breast fed me. She
    told me that she only liked me as a friend.

09. I'm so ugly...  My father carries around a picture of the kid who
    came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
    my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
    through."

11. I'm so ugly...  My mother had morning sickness...  AFTER I was
    born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
    my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
    find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
    them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can
    hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...  I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
    big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
    I look in the mirror...  I feel like throwing up; What's wrong
    with me?" He said...  "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
    pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
    kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves
    a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm.  Last night he went on
    the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
    the electric chair.


